The only people I've ever been openly gay with are my friends. Never any of my family, save for my stepsister who has become kinda close with me lately...
Whenever I listen to a song in the charts by some rapper, or read posts on Facebook by popular girls and guys in my school, there's always some criticism of gays.
Hell, people criticize me.. a rumor started that I was a Lesbian, due to my unnaturally ugly looks, people said that I wanted girls because boys wouldn't have me...
But, they only know half the story.
I love guys, and would love to get married. Settle down, have children.
But, I also love girls. And, again, I would love to get married, settle down, have children.
But, even that is asking too much. Woman aren't even allowed to get married; they're only allowed a 'Civil partnership' which I think is wrong.
I don't want to walk up to my old friends in years time and say, 'Hey, this is my civil partner', no. If I eventually meet a woman I want to spend my life with, I want to be able to say 'This is my wife'.
I know this is all sounding a little one-sided, more of a lesbian thing than it is all-around bisexual, but let me finish...
I've had crushes on guys. Always have, always will. Hey, I think Jared Leto is the sexiest man alive, but I also think Kanon Wakeshima is incredibly cute. And, I've had boyfriends too, not girlfriends yet, because my current social group is more of a main-stream one, but I hope to meet someone eventually..
* * *
When I hear rumors that guys in my school may be gay, I just shrug. What is wrong with being gay? Why does it have to be the highlight of gossip?
I'm not saying that everyone in the world is homophobic, but my problem with this, is that there are still some people who are.
The fact that there are any homophobic people in society is disgusting.
We're all the same.
Just because man + woman = next generation, doesn't mean it has to be like that.
There are many MANY straight people who never settle down and have children of their own.
So should we harass them too?
No.
Because it is their choice!
Let me narrow down my philosophy for you:
Man + Woman = ^_^
Man + Man = ^_^
Woman + Woman = ^_^
And any other mixing of genders is fine!
The room is painted white. The carpet is greyish-black. The rotating chairs are navy. I look at the counselor. I observe her face; her applied foundation, mascara, eyeliner and lipgloss. My eyes move to her hair. Then, to her clothes. She is well dressed, I tell myself. But why? Why does a counselor have to be well dressed? Is it a rule? Why can't counselors express themselves more through clothing? Or is it a formal mandatory type of rule? Her mouth opens and my mind shifts on focusing on her.
"So, you're here because you have homicidal urges?" she asks with a sad look on her face
"Yes, I told you that", I state, full of monotony.
I glance at the clock and back at her
Her face appears eager and is tilted towards me so I take the chance and speak,
"I want to kill people. I don't know why. I think it ought to be fun"
Silence breaks in. She licks her lips and says, "Hmm, do you have difficulties at home?"
At that time, I didn't, so I replied with a no.
"Do you have any people on mind when you feel this?" she asks.
So she thinks I'm full of wrath and vengeance, eh?
But I'm not. I wish I could lie and feign my homicidal intentions.
Because it isn't about who I kill. It isn't about power. It isn't about rage. It really isn't. I just want to feel the thrill of having killed someone. Taking someone's life while being alive seems so... exciting. It seems like one of those things you must experience to truly appreciate life and see how precious it is. It's a reason to live, my mind whispered to me. I didn't care who it was, when it would happen - I just wanted to murder someone. Kill. Destroy.
Such harsh words to describe such a simple action. At least, to me, it seems beyond simple. Killing someone. Watching the life and light from their eyes fade into darkness. Is it sick of me to want to be able to do this? Or am I merely expressing the true desire of all humans? If I were to kill, would I take a trophy like most typical serial killers or would I leave the body there, admiring my twisted version of artwork? I do not know.
I explain this to her. She seems to be bored of me.
"At least you haven't done anything" she says
I feel the need to add 'yet' to the end of her sentence but I have already frightened her. I can see from her expressions that she genuinely wants to help yet lacks such knowledge. Instead, I told her that was that and that I haven't done anything. That I don't plan on doing anything.
I leave the counseling room as she asked me to do so and I shrug. I shrug at her reaction. I shrug at her implications of emotional attachment to my potential victims. I shrug at how I lied about having no plans.
I have plans.
