Born in a hearse: June 2013

15 years ago, a little girl was born in a hospital, safe and sound with her mum and dad there to see her take her first breaths. I had a pretty average childhood. I was into all the normal things a little girl should be; dressing up, pink, dolls, walking around the house in my mum’s high heels and makeup. But as I got older, and I blame this on the influence of the fact that I was raised surrounded by boys, I became somewhat of a tomboy – I liked to play with mud and insects, and plastic swords, guns and light sabres. I was also at the age where I was curious, and boy did life surprise me in every aspect I adventured into. I went through the phase of asking where babies came from, the phase of being scared of the dark, the phase of discovering death, and being too scared to sleep for weeks on end.

The only sad parts of my childhood I can remember are my parents getting divorced, and my great-grandma dying, all pretty horrid things, but in the long run, didn’t hurt me too much. Life goes on.

So anyway, I grew out of that. I grew up a little, and boom, I was nearing my double-digit years. These were the years my life started to change – take that however you will. Emotionally, physically, mentally… whatever you wish, I went through it. Not only had my younger cousin and I started to discover anime in this stage of our lives, but I began to listen to different music and I had now become a fully-fledged tomboy, complete with baggy jeans, jumpers and hoodies. I refused to wear a pink item of clothing, or anything remotely resembling a skirt or dress. I also discovered the Gothic culture, and was desperate to join them. These were also the years that my life took a little turn for the worst – my bullying years. Not spent as the bully, but as the bullied. Tough, yeah. Shattered my self-confidence and I slowly began to see myself differently. I used to look in the mirror and see myself as a princess in a plastic tiara, or, when I got older, as a badass Pokemon trainer, or a warrior – either way, I was always happy with the life I created for myself in my imagination. But, I found it harder and harder to keep hold of those lives I’d made, and realised that I was just this ugly little girl, now in her very early double-digits and approaching her teens.

Yes, I’m sad to say my life had one or two ups and downs from there on out. I made friends, but soon discovered that labelling them ‘my best friend’ only led them to leaving quicker. I had a series of these ‘best friend’ creatures, all whom eventually left and moved on with their lives.

Now, having just entered high school, I was beginning to re-assess how I saw those around me. I found it easier to judge and evaluate my peers, and knew who to and not to trust. Obviously, I didn’t have it all figured out, but we’ll get to that later. It was also during this time in my life, that I began to think I may be a lesbian. I’d never kissed girls, or even had romantic feelings for them (I didn’t believe), and just blamed it all on hormones – I had at this point just entered my teens. It wasn’t until a year later (in my school year of year 8) that I finally came to the conclusion that I was BI. I slowly but surely came out to my closer friends, then to less close friends, then to anyone who asked. I felt strong for the first time in a long while. But, then the rumours came that I was a lesbian. People would ask if I was, I’d deny it, and they’d give me a look, or giggle, or try their best not to sit next to me. This was all on top of the bullying, that was more subtle whispers and comments now rather than how it had been in the past, namely, having things thrown at me, being shouting at when I felt my home by people from school… ect.

It was tough, yeah.

By this point, I considered myself a fully-fledged Otaku, having had discovered Vocaloid, watched over 20 anime series at this point, and loving Japanese culture. Of course, the word ‘Otaku’ was unknown to me at this time. None of my friends shared the same interests as me, try as I might to get them to watch anime/listen to my music. They’d either brush it off, or say it was weird. You know what’s going to come next, don’t you? I made a friend who was… easy to hook on things. Like, I had her listening to Vocaloid pretty soon, and watching anime too.

Dude… I can’t even explain the feeling to you of just how amazing it was to finally have a friend who understood all my weird obsessions and interests. During this time of having this friend, I went through a dark spot in my life history. You know what ‘self-infliction’ is, right? You’ve probably seen scars or cuts on the arm of the kid who sits in the corner in class, isn’t very smart, or doesn’t want you to look at them because of that niggling feeling in the back of their head that the very act of you looking at them means that you’re judging them. You know the one. Having to tell my mum that I did it… was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced up to date in my life, and I hope to God that none of you ever have to suffer this event in your lives.

Suffice to say, I was pretty down on myself. I felt like even doing that made me worst, made me an attention seeker. I spent a lot of my time ranting online and complaining, when, even now, I don’t know any other way to make myself feel better. But, you know that best friend, who I loved more than anything? Let’s just say happiness doesn’t last forever. My online ranting leads her to leave me. I guess the lesson here folks is don’t ever let out your feelings online. Just attention-seek in real life instead.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, that’s pretty much my story up to present day. And where am I now? My name is Connie Morton, I am a fifteen year old, female member of the human race, and I currently live in England. My parents have joint custody over me and my brother. My dad has a younger son who we’ve yet to be allowed to see, but we’ll win the fight one day, I promise. I started SH again recently, but I’m going to beat it, I know so J

I am joined in my life now by a dwindling number of friends, but most of which I think I can trust, well, I hope so~ my ability to trust in people has been a little shattered, but I’ll survive, just so long as I use those instincts that the young, bullied Connie honed to keep my wits about me when encountering people.

My ability to survive has kept me from the edge, and, as clichéd as it sounds, I've been through so much, and yet am still going strong. Sure, I have my down days, but now I've found ways of moving through them, mostly unscathed or scared - not only do I have a list of people I want to thank for still being here today, but most of them are people I want to say sorry to. These people have been with me throughout most of my life, have supported me in everything I have wanted to do, or been through, and yet here's me complaining that I have no friends - you guys mean the world to me, even if I rarely show it! I love you all for keeping me strong! Next time I say I have no one who cares, make sure to give a me good back-hander, shake me and tell me that what I need is right in front of me!

I am bisexual, an Otaku, a gamer and a closet Goth and proud of it all!

There are a lot of things in my fairly new life that I have still yet to come to terms with, and things-a plenty that I want to do and accomplish. I’m just hoping that I’ll be able to follow the right path to lead me there on my early journey into this ugly, beautiful, weird, wonderful thing called ‘life’.