I wonder why...
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Stay close and breathe
I try to constantly reassure you and show you I care because I want you to know that I do. I love you and I wish I could wipe away your tears, contain your anger and heal your pain. I am sorry for all that I've done and all that I might end up ever doing.
I know we're both stressed now. We both have exams coming up, we both had to (well, you especially) deal with that stupid Mike and we're both just... eh. But you know, there are so many things I wish I could compare you to. You're pretty as a flower but you're not just for show. You don't die a few days in a vase. You don't wait for raindrops to fall on your delicate petals. Guess what? You shouldn't. You shouldn't have to wait for anyone. You shouldn't have to put on a show just to wilt in the end. I know you don't do that and I hope you know that I don't want you to do that.
Because you are so much more.
The world is a cruel place. The world has its hypocrites, liars, traitors and we're in the midst of it all. I wish I could tell you that I would never hurt you but it will always hurt. The pain of the distance, the pain of the past, the pain of the future will always hurt. We touch stems of roses just to feel the thorns. We always seem to forget that seasons are ever changing and that hope isn't hopeless.
You deserve much more than you get and much more than this pathetic world.
I want you to know that if anything ever happens between us (death, distance, whatever...) that I will always be here. That I am willing to be there for you to fall back on. I know you're independent. I know you're strong. But I will still be here. Because I know that you may need it and I will be here, waiting. (Wow this is beginning to sound romantic).
You're funny, beautiful (inside and out), spontaneous, interesting, loyal with some chaos and insanity as the frosting.
Don't ever forget that, ever.
Photos that captured this year
Just a photo dump of random photos from this year :3
I realised I only took 2 photo sets with friends this year
Need to take moaaar
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Manchester MCM Expo 2013
Considering I was supposed to be going anyway, you'd think it'd be weird that I'm so giddy that I actually do get to go.
Let me tell you a story. I fell out with a person I was meant to be going with to three conventions this year, and I was, well, pretty gutted that I couldn't go (English slang there, people. Gutted = upset).
For a while, I've been contemplating going to one of them (in Manchester, a city in England) by myself, just to wonder for a few hours - buy anime memorabilia, and leave. (figures and such are much cheaper at cons than they are online)
But it was only tonight that I was more determined than ever to go, and even set about thinking of a cosplay, which I will fill you in about in a moment. So, with the blessing of my dad, I was allowed to go, on the condition that he go with me. Of course I don't mind, I'm happy I get to go - he'll be bored as hell, but I'll be happe, surrounded by my people and all ^w^.
Okay, so cosplay - considering I was planning already to cosplay as Megurine Luka-san this year, I thought it best to stick with her, as I already have a pink wig for her.
I, for some reason thought, of 'Rolling Girl' in this instance, and decided to have a Rolling Girl cosplay, Luka style. Pink nails, wig, but the usual outfit. I've already found all the components online on Amazon UK, and they're all very easy and cheap to get!~
Let me tell you a story. I fell out with a person I was meant to be going with to three conventions this year, and I was, well, pretty gutted that I couldn't go (English slang there, people. Gutted = upset).
For a while, I've been contemplating going to one of them (in Manchester, a city in England) by myself, just to wonder for a few hours - buy anime memorabilia, and leave. (figures and such are much cheaper at cons than they are online)
But it was only tonight that I was more determined than ever to go, and even set about thinking of a cosplay, which I will fill you in about in a moment. So, with the blessing of my dad, I was allowed to go, on the condition that he go with me. Of course I don't mind, I'm happy I get to go - he'll be bored as hell, but I'll be happe, surrounded by my people and all ^w^.
Okay, so cosplay - considering I was planning already to cosplay as Megurine Luka-san this year, I thought it best to stick with her, as I already have a pink wig for her.
I, for some reason thought, of 'Rolling Girl' in this instance, and decided to have a Rolling Girl cosplay, Luka style. Pink nails, wig, but the usual outfit. I've already found all the components online on Amazon UK, and they're all very easy and cheap to get!~
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Manipulation and control
Sometimes you let people in your life and instead of being by your side, they become leeches and suck out the happiness from you. They become dependent on you and demand you to pay attention to them. The problem with these kind of people are that they are toxic and aren't true friends. If they really cared about you then they wouldn't have to self pity themselves or be condescending towards you to get your attention. So, how do you know if someone is manipulating you? Trying to control you?
- They decapitalise your name or don't use your name. If they do use your name, they use it after begging you for something or complaining
- They tell you that you make them feel bad/suicidal/depressed/want to cut frequently
- They self pity themselves and then get upset if you don't pity them too
- They use the word 'love' and 'hate' carelessly
- They indirectly blame you
- They won't give up their opinion even after it upsets you; instead they try to convince you that you are wrong and that you have to accept what they say
- They act like they automatically know what you feel even if that is not necessarily how you feel
- They are suddenly kind when they want something from you
- They've become completely dependent on you and ignores any acts of individuality that you do
- They don't want to give you space
- They guilt trip you into things you don't want to do
- They get into temper tantrums until you give into what they demand
- They constantly play a victim
- They overcompliment you and then ask for something
- They repeat the same things over and over
- They select memories that further their agenda
- They make you look like the bad person if it doesn't go their way
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The Scenario Pt. 1
I've often thought of how I'd kill you.
Sometimes Master is there, holding you down. Sometimes I get to do it all by my self.
But my favourite has to be when we're alone.
I break into your room; I have, of course, spent months planning for this, and no longer care about any of the consequences of my actions, just happy in the thought that you would be dead by the end of the night.
I didn't bring a chainsaw. Of course I didn't. Far too noisy, and I don't want any of your family waking up and interrupting us, now do I?
No. I brought a gun instead, with a silencer of course. I don't care if people hear the final shot; I'll be long gone by that time.
Once I've pryed out your bedroom window (terribly silly of you to leave it unlocked, by the way) I climb in, and land as silently as I can in your room.
I scoff at my surroundings. The presents I gave you clearly on show, whereas I had burned everything you had given me.
I contemplate wrecking your room, quietly of course, once I had you restrained and gagged.
I turn to your bed, see you sleeping. God, what a sloth.
Wondering how to wake you without too much of a comotion, I turn to your curtains and shut them slowly, before baracading your door with your shelves. You stir slightly at this, but return to your land of dreams.
I crouch down and look through your phone, full of soppy messages to your 'lover'. I spit in disgust on it, before hurling it out of the window. Good thing I was wearing gloves.
I wake you in a simple way, gag you, which causes your to wake in a panic, pull you out of bed by your hair, and, whilst you struggle on the floor, tie your hands and feet securly behind your back.
Your eyes are wild with fear as you desperatly try to assess the situation. Then your eyes find me, and they become wide with panic. It's laughable.
I smile, even laugh a little to see you in such a pathetic state.
I remain silent for a while, listening to any indication that your family have heard anything.
All quiet.
I smile again.
Not so confident and strong now, are we?
I start to walk around your room. I pick up one of the gifts I gave you. It's very beautiful, well painted. I even thought of buying one for myself. I feel harsh, to the present, as I tear off its limbs and throw them to the floor, before looking back at you. I know now that any means of wrecking your room will cause too much noise, and will make your family wake up.
Then, I begin to think of ways I could torture you, prolong your suffering, out loud of course.
Your eyes are still wide, even- is that? Yes, you begin to cry a little as I describe the various ways I'm going to hurt you. Oh please, someone play the violins.
'Should I ungag you, so you can beg for your life?', she doesn't respond. I laugh again, and kneel down close to her face, 'If I ungag you, you have to promise that you won't scream, or else.. I know a certain part of your body which, if hit, will cause you immense pain', I of course don't. I'm not the most inteligent person. And I know that she is smarter than me. She's not convinced, and even gets a littler calmer, which I do not like.
Giving the appearence of bordem, I pull out my kitchen knife and begin to jump it up and down on her legs, and down to her feet. 'Reply' I say plainly, as I drive the knife slowly into her foot. I quickly hold my hand over her mouth, as well as the gag, as the muffled scream fills the room. It's a bit louder than I expected, so I quickly remove the knife, and drag a pillow from her bed and cover her mouth with it. She's no longer screaming - wimpering, crying. Most likely praying in her head that this will all end.
Like fuck and I going to let this end any time soon.
I look into her eyes, and ask again, 'Do you want to beg for your life?' she makes a weak little sound this time, as she nods slowly, sort of like a baby horse nickering, except way more pathetic.
I smile, and then I know that she won't scream, or we will start this all over again, I promise her.
Keeping the gag handy, I pull it away from her mouth. She coughs, and makes a frightened kitten noise at the sight of her still bleeding foot. I follow her eyes down to it, and smile a little, 'Yeah, it took me a while to get it in; I forgot the foot had bones in it'. She meets my eyes. She still hasn't said anything.
'I'm not doing all of the talking, but I guess I'll start'. I stand, and begin to walk casually around the room. 'You think what I'm doing is unfair, don't you?'. Still she doesn't talk. I get a little angry as I speak. 'I don't suppose you've ever cried yourself to sleep, have you? I don't suppose that you've ever wanted to cut yourself, something that you swore that you'd never do again, and have urges to do so, several times, I might add, all because of one girl who you thought would never hurt you?!'. I stop and glare at her from across the room.
'I never thought that I'd be here, and have you there as my first victim'. We stay silent for a few moments, she taking in what I'd said, her eyes, somehow, becoming calm.
'"Oh never mind about Connie! She'll just calm down eventually! All her threats about killing, they'll never happen! She doesn't want to cut herself! She doesn't want to die!" I bet those were your exact words, weren't they?!'.
I quieten down again, knowing that shouting any louder will definatly wake her family.
'Go on then. Give me your opinion'.
I stare at her. I don't think she knows what to say, so I start for her, 'Let's begin with a plea for your life, shall we-' 'Stop it. Please.'. She interuppted. At first, I was shocked by her words, but then I do my best to regain my confidence, though her tone did strike a nerve somewhere.
'Not good enough. Try again' I say, this time, I come to knee in front of her, a hold the gun to her left temple. Somehow, she still has her confidence. 'Connie, please don't do this. You'll ruin your life if you kill me', 'Me? Ruin MY life?! *scoff* You ruined my life long ago, and this what you get for it! Beg again!'.
But, for some reason, she's now quiet, and reluctant to beg anymore. She looks at me like she knows that I won't kill her. I laugh. I can't help it. I laugh louder than I should - maybe her family will just think it's her.
Sometimes Master is there, holding you down. Sometimes I get to do it all by my self.
But my favourite has to be when we're alone.
I break into your room; I have, of course, spent months planning for this, and no longer care about any of the consequences of my actions, just happy in the thought that you would be dead by the end of the night.
I didn't bring a chainsaw. Of course I didn't. Far too noisy, and I don't want any of your family waking up and interrupting us, now do I?
No. I brought a gun instead, with a silencer of course. I don't care if people hear the final shot; I'll be long gone by that time.
Once I've pryed out your bedroom window (terribly silly of you to leave it unlocked, by the way) I climb in, and land as silently as I can in your room.
I scoff at my surroundings. The presents I gave you clearly on show, whereas I had burned everything you had given me.
I contemplate wrecking your room, quietly of course, once I had you restrained and gagged.
I turn to your bed, see you sleeping. God, what a sloth.
Wondering how to wake you without too much of a comotion, I turn to your curtains and shut them slowly, before baracading your door with your shelves. You stir slightly at this, but return to your land of dreams.
I crouch down and look through your phone, full of soppy messages to your 'lover'. I spit in disgust on it, before hurling it out of the window. Good thing I was wearing gloves.
I wake you in a simple way, gag you, which causes your to wake in a panic, pull you out of bed by your hair, and, whilst you struggle on the floor, tie your hands and feet securly behind your back.
Your eyes are wild with fear as you desperatly try to assess the situation. Then your eyes find me, and they become wide with panic. It's laughable.
I smile, even laugh a little to see you in such a pathetic state.
I remain silent for a while, listening to any indication that your family have heard anything.
All quiet.
I smile again.
Not so confident and strong now, are we?
I start to walk around your room. I pick up one of the gifts I gave you. It's very beautiful, well painted. I even thought of buying one for myself. I feel harsh, to the present, as I tear off its limbs and throw them to the floor, before looking back at you. I know now that any means of wrecking your room will cause too much noise, and will make your family wake up.
Then, I begin to think of ways I could torture you, prolong your suffering, out loud of course.
Your eyes are still wide, even- is that? Yes, you begin to cry a little as I describe the various ways I'm going to hurt you. Oh please, someone play the violins.
'Should I ungag you, so you can beg for your life?', she doesn't respond. I laugh again, and kneel down close to her face, 'If I ungag you, you have to promise that you won't scream, or else.. I know a certain part of your body which, if hit, will cause you immense pain', I of course don't. I'm not the most inteligent person. And I know that she is smarter than me. She's not convinced, and even gets a littler calmer, which I do not like.
Giving the appearence of bordem, I pull out my kitchen knife and begin to jump it up and down on her legs, and down to her feet. 'Reply' I say plainly, as I drive the knife slowly into her foot. I quickly hold my hand over her mouth, as well as the gag, as the muffled scream fills the room. It's a bit louder than I expected, so I quickly remove the knife, and drag a pillow from her bed and cover her mouth with it. She's no longer screaming - wimpering, crying. Most likely praying in her head that this will all end.
Like fuck and I going to let this end any time soon.
I look into her eyes, and ask again, 'Do you want to beg for your life?' she makes a weak little sound this time, as she nods slowly, sort of like a baby horse nickering, except way more pathetic.
I smile, and then I know that she won't scream, or we will start this all over again, I promise her.
Keeping the gag handy, I pull it away from her mouth. She coughs, and makes a frightened kitten noise at the sight of her still bleeding foot. I follow her eyes down to it, and smile a little, 'Yeah, it took me a while to get it in; I forgot the foot had bones in it'. She meets my eyes. She still hasn't said anything.
'I'm not doing all of the talking, but I guess I'll start'. I stand, and begin to walk casually around the room. 'You think what I'm doing is unfair, don't you?'. Still she doesn't talk. I get a little angry as I speak. 'I don't suppose you've ever cried yourself to sleep, have you? I don't suppose that you've ever wanted to cut yourself, something that you swore that you'd never do again, and have urges to do so, several times, I might add, all because of one girl who you thought would never hurt you?!'. I stop and glare at her from across the room.
'I never thought that I'd be here, and have you there as my first victim'. We stay silent for a few moments, she taking in what I'd said, her eyes, somehow, becoming calm.
'"Oh never mind about Connie! She'll just calm down eventually! All her threats about killing, they'll never happen! She doesn't want to cut herself! She doesn't want to die!" I bet those were your exact words, weren't they?!'.
I quieten down again, knowing that shouting any louder will definatly wake her family.
'Go on then. Give me your opinion'.
I stare at her. I don't think she knows what to say, so I start for her, 'Let's begin with a plea for your life, shall we-' 'Stop it. Please.'. She interuppted. At first, I was shocked by her words, but then I do my best to regain my confidence, though her tone did strike a nerve somewhere.
'Not good enough. Try again' I say, this time, I come to knee in front of her, a hold the gun to her left temple. Somehow, she still has her confidence. 'Connie, please don't do this. You'll ruin your life if you kill me', 'Me? Ruin MY life?! *scoff* You ruined my life long ago, and this what you get for it! Beg again!'.
But, for some reason, she's now quiet, and reluctant to beg anymore. She looks at me like she knows that I won't kill her. I laugh. I can't help it. I laugh louder than I should - maybe her family will just think it's her.
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